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A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "Aye, matey, we was in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A sea-gull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea-gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Not exactly," said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook."
Ornothologists from the National Audubon Society have been awarded a $10 Million Grant (why not, it's only money) to study the effects of marijuana on the arctic tern.
Dr Mortimer Snerd, the lead scientist in the study, when asked how the study was going so far replied, "it is too early to determine final results yet, but our study is going to be thorough." He added, "We are leaving no tern unstoned."
Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says “doc, you gotta help me. I think I’m turning into a dog”
The psychiatrist says “Lie down on the couch and we can talk about it”
The guy says “I’m not allowed on the furniture”.
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