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Thought of the Day

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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
 
Ever send a text to the wrong person? Like the time I sent a text, thinking to was to my wife...ended up telling my boss I loved him (true story).
Yes… I once asked my boss to pick up ground beef on the way home. (Ended up inviting him over for hamburgers!)
 
My wife frequently holds 2+ text conversations simultaneously, and it generally ends with her replying to the wrong person. Usually it's benign, but sometimes...

Worse is when you THINK you're forwarding an email with a nasty addition (e.g., "This is the idiot I've been complaining to you about!") but it turns out you actually hit "Reply All"!
 
My wife frequently holds 2+ text conversations simultaneously, and it generally ends with her replying to the wrong person. Usually it's benign, but sometimes...

Worse is when you THINK you're forwarding an email with a nasty addition (e.g., "This is the idiot I've been complaining to you about!") but it turns out you actually hit "Reply All"!
Two days ago I got a text message from a good friend that was relaying some troubling medical issues he was having. I quickly realized he probably didn't intend that text for me so I replied, "did you mean this for me?" In fact he thought he was texting his son, who is a Cardiologist.
 
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