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Ima Dumbass

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So...earlier today Kelly tells me there is a cat in the barn and not to spook it 'cause it may break some pottery. Normally I'll chase them off cause they spray everything but we need some rats killed so I'll go easy. Well...sumbich starts talkin to me so I reply. This goes on a bit, cat looks scrawny so I go to get it some food. I walk away and the cat starts to come out lookin' for me. I go back, cat is out back behind the barn. We start talikn', I drop the food and and walk off. Cat walks PAST the food and keeps comin' towards me. After a brief converasation, cat turns back and eats food.

Later on, cat is out front again under the other storage trailer and starts talkin. I sit down a few feet away and reply. Cat walks over and around me a bit and then flips over on it's back right in front of me. I pet the cat for a minute and go back inside. After a little while I wonder where the cat is, she is now on the side of the house. Later she goes back by the trailer and I give her some more food, pet her and go back in.

...cat disappears the rest of the day....

Tonight I'm outside sitting on the ZTR with my legs crossed and talking on the phone...

"MEOW MEOW MEOW" I hear from somewhere in the darkness. Dumbass me replies but I'm more interested in the conversation I'm having with a human. Cat walks over, I instinctively reach down and pet her a bit...cat jumps in my lap. I continue talking on the phone and petting the cat for about ten minutes. Cat flips and flops all over in different positions. I hang up and call Kelly who is inside and instruct her to turn on the light and come outside.

"I think I have a cat..."

She replys, "Yeah, I think you have a cat too"....

Cat confirms, "PRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

D'OH !!!!

:wall:
 
Yup you're a dumbass. Hopefully she'll be a good mouser around your place.
 
I go in the kitchen for a snack, "MEOW MEOW MEOW"...WTH?!....walk out front, no cat. I call out...no cat. Walk back inside, flip on back door light.... cat sitting at back door. Of course...like a true dumbass, I go out and pet my cat. I put cat down and now I can't walk...cause the dam cat is all up in my feet. Kelly suggests some water, we get a bowl... and my cat... and then put them both on the back porch..but the cat would rather try and trip me. I walk back in (as best I can) to get the cat a bed...cause I can't have my cat sleeping on the ground can I... I get the bed set up on the bench by the back door along with the water bowl. I think I will build it a kitty condo on the back porch.

Cat is currently trying to climb the back door. Kelly has allergies so no kitty inside. I might have to move her in the studio in the winter.


..the cat that is...:friendly_wink:
 
Nah. You're not a dumbass. Cats are wonderful creatures.

...unless you rub their tummy one too many times.
 
That happened to me almost three years ago. There isn't a day that she doesn't make me laugh. You'll make it Billy.:friendly_wink:
 
Yep, you've been adopted. Not much you can do about it really.
 
"cause the dam cat is all up in my feet...but the cat would rather try and trip me"

Didn't you know that is a cat's favorite game?
 
Since you've been adopted, here's some helpful directions.

Dear Cat,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About The Pet:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

 
Billy - Print this out. You'll need this someday.

How to give a cat a pill:


  1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
  2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.
  5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
  6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand. Drop pill down throat and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Meissen china figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door leaving only head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
  16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
  17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
  18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
  19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
  20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

cat+glaring+at+me.jpg



(PS - How to give a dog a pill: Wrap it in bacon.)
 
Three domesticated strays have recently found that I'm a sucker... they came to the hovel looking emaciated and were obviously used to being with people. Craved affection. I believe they were found as newborns, taken in because they were "sooo kewttt!" Once they turned into cats they were less so, needed more food and thus likely left to their own devices. I now feed 'em and try to keep 'em out of the street... not as successful as I'd like. One is an all black male, one female is a diminutive lynx look-alike, and the third is an orange-striped female.

So I've named 'em.... Black male: Fred. Baby lynx: Ethel.... you can likely surmise the orange tabby would be Lucy.

Mitsy says: "If Desi shows up, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!"

Can't help it. They're kindred spirits. :smirk:
 
Doc- trouble awaits ...

tumblr_n80ereddny1t4o62mo1_250.gif
 
DrEntropy said:
Mitsy says: "If Desi shows up, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!"

Can't help it. They're kindred spirits. :smirk:
Click to expand...

That's funny. I have to admit, I'm liking this whole cat thing (and I'm not a cat person). I think she's gonna go a long way to help me get past losing my dog. I can never replace him...but I can have a cat...:wink: ( That being said, I had the best dog a man could ever have. :frown:smile: The good thing (for her) is, she "needs" me. I've got no use for a woman or a cat that has no use for me. Either way, the feeling is mutual...:wink:

I think there is something to be said about petting a cat curled up in your lap.
 
Knew one of you guys was gonna do that but figured it would have been from a Mike Myers movie.
 
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