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but were afraid to ask: 
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Pretty Please - add it to our Events forum(s) and add to the calendar! >> 
kyreb1862
Jedi Knight
Offline
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one and while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the d*** cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect heck-bent mutant cat and call local pet shop to see
if they have any puppies.
How To Give A Dog A Pill...
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one and while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the d*** cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect heck-bent mutant cat and call local pet shop to see
if they have any puppies.
How To Give A Dog A Pill...
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
