Having a Tough Time

[AngliaGT]

Trying to get ahead - We have our 7 year old Granddaughter
living with us,who we're supporting (our choice).
Our Son (#2 kid) moved from Chattanooga,then to Denver,
& then to Eureka (we paid for all of the moves).He's living
with us now - hasn't been able to find a job since about 6 months ago.He has $tudent loans,of which we've been bombarded
with calls,wanting payment.
Our Daughter,who went to photroaphy school,& graduated in 2009,who also has student loans,is working at Starbucks in Vir-
ginia,& hasn't found a good job.
I've worked for the same company (Safeway) since Oct.'73.
We owe over twice what we purchased our house for in 1979,due to stupid decisions & refinancing.
I want to make it all right,& get out of debt.
Do I borrow money,& pay our kid's debts off?
These are NOT lazy kids,they have a great work ethic,but
can't seem to find good jobs.
.....and then,there's the cars -no money,but they all seem'to need work.
I'm just trying to sort this all out - Thanks for listening.

- Doug

 

[JodyFKerr]

NO.

And this is coming from a "kid" who had LOTS of student debts, and who married another "kid" who has a lot of student debts. I understand, as a parent, wanting to do things for your children. But at the same time, it's their responsibility as adults to work these sorts of things out.

In terms of the student loans, have them actually call the gov't. The son that's out of work should be able to get a forbearance, the daughter should be able to call and get a loan payment in line with her salary.

If you do anything for them, the thing to do is help them pay for two classes at the local community college. If they are students and are in school at least 1/2 time (6 credit hours by most school's standards. That equates to 2 classes), then they are enrolled at a level where they can have the school help them forebear the payments. We did this exact thing with my wife. Since she's in school 2 classes a semester we don't have to pay her student loans back. Ironically, with the cost of community college here, it's a HECK of a lot cheaper to stay in school than it is to pay back the loans. The wife is actually working on a bachelor's.

 

[NutmegCT]

I completely agree with Jody. There are various types of "student loans"; go with your children as they inquire *in person* about their options. Don't solve their problems for them.

I'd think your duty as a parent includes:

- enabling your children to take responsibility for their actions (which includes the loans)

- being realistic and honest with your children about your own actions (including the refinancing)

- listening to them, asking good questions, but let them "do it yourself"

- give examples (both good and bad) from your own life. Point out what you've learned, but let them work out their *own* solutions to their problems, with your counsel.

- think seriously about how your assets match your debts ... and take appropriate action.

Did your wife enjoy that "big trip" you told us about last November?

Tom
PS - took me ten years to pay off my student debt. But I did it.

 

[drooartz]

I'm with Jody and Tom on this one. While I don't have kids myself, I remember what it was like as a kid to leave home and be hit with the first unexpected bills. When I told my parents about it, they sympathized but did not offer to pay. Good lesson for me, and I handled it. While they have helped me out here and there over the years since, it's never been asked for or expected.

I can only imagine how hard it is for a parent to see a child struggle, but that's what we (the children) have to do, it's how we learn. I had student loans when I graduated as well, and a $7/hour job as a bookkeeper/secretary for a small wood shop. I made it work.

Providing house space for #2 son is reasonable (and very common today), but he still needs to do his part. Yes, work is really hard to find, but it is out there.

As for your personal debt/car situation, that too is solvable but it will take time. Years ago I quit my job and went out on the road with a band, trying to make it big. That experience lasted about 6 months, and the debt we incurred (credit card and loan on a van) took me about 6 years to finally pay off. Debt goes this way: easy in, hard out.

If you want to rid yourself of the debt, you have to get a bit ruthless. Keep the Anglia and MGBGT and sell the rest for whatever you can. Maybe just keep the MG. Cash value is not as important as removing the source of future spending. Get ruthless with your other spending as well. When I was getting out of my hole, I went to a full cash system -- paycheck in, cash in the envelopes, no cash no spend. Credit card went in a drawer. Took a calculator to the grocery store so I would absolutely stay in my budget. Painful, but it worked.

I'm passionate about budgeting and finance if you can't guess.

 

[JPSmit]

Sorry to hear Doug and you and your kids may have to make some hard decisions that may even involve debt reduction negotiations. One of the things that we (I include myself in this) have to realize is that many of these issues are not problems to be resolved but conditions to be addressed. By that I mean if we go at it with a "If I just pay off these bills everything will be fine" attitude, it will never be fine because the habits have not changed. It's kind of like saying, "If I go on a diet and loose 20lbs, then I can go back to living/eating like I did before." In other words, while I am sympathetic to the debt and the kids unemployment (or underemployment) there are deeper issues.

One thing that changed our lives literally was Dave Ramsey's financial Peace University https://www.daveramsey.com/home/ He is a Christian and it is an amazing work that he does. First Presbyterian in Eureka seems to run his courses. First Pres

BTW don't think that you'll get support for this from society. Everything is designed to part you from your money. Saw this in this article.

"At its most basic, a personal budget is THE way to make sure you don't spend more than you make. Spending more than you make is the major reason for the large amount of debt many families and individuals carry. A recent study found that most Americans spend 120% of their income, regardless of salary level. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you make $100 and spend $120, you're going to be in big trouble in a big hurry.

Read more: https://www.military-money-matters.com/personal-budgeting.html#ixzz1qVuFH6sD

Good Luck!

 

[JPSmit]

By the way Doug, just re-read your post and with all the respect in the world, the decisions you need to make you shouldn't make alone. Forgive me for saying it so bluntly (and publically) but you don't have the track record - is there someone in the interim you could talk to? Pastor? Financial Planner? Lawyer?

 

[rkep01]

By the way Doug, just re-read your post and with all the respect in the world, the decisions you need to make you shouldn't make alone. Forgive me for saying it so bluntly (and publically) but you don't have the track record - is there someone in the interim you could talk to? Pastor? Financial Planner? Lawyer?

 

[AngliaGT]

I'm sorry - I just feel that I've made mistakes in the past
with my kids that I need to take reponsibility for.
I was never a great father,but our kids have a GREAT work ethic.
I come from the WWII generation that doesn't want to be a burden on so-
ciety.Our kids chose to go to school,borrowed a LOT of money,but the job
market sucks right now.
I'm feeling like I need to make things right,but don't have the
finances to do so.I'm trying to get our own debts payed down,& that's
even hard to do.
As Jimmy Buffett said - "Trying to make it all clear".

- Doug

 

[JPSmit]

Doug, we've all made mistakes in the past. (and I for one continue to do so)

But, we do the best we can with the cards we are dealt.

Here are two things that I know in my heart of hearts.

1. Things (money, gifts, toys) are no substitute for relationships and if anything make it worse. If you have to work on a relationship, work on the relationship, don't mask it with money. It is NEVER about the money.

2. The worst thing you can do here is not let your children grow up. Bailing them out over and over again keeps them little. If you want your children to stand on their own two feet. (like your parents let you) is to actually let them stand on their own two feet.

PS - you don't immediately kick them out of the nest without a place to land. My son is underemployed and my daughter in college, we still help them out occasionally but, in particular with my son, he has to learn that life sucks at $10 an hour and me bailing him out only means that I am learning that life sucks at $10 an hour. He is learning that he doesn't have to worry because daddy will bail him out.

 

[rkep01]

He is learning that he doesn't have to worry because daddy will bail him out.

Amen, Brother. 100%

 

[Brooklands]

My parents helped me a few times with loans, but they were all repaid with interest. But they did not owe it to me either. When I got in over my head I looked to find a way to pay off all my debts and get rid of credit cards until I was able to start saving again.

We help our kids out with small items from time to time, like this month we are going to my sister-in-law's memorial service (she recently died at age 52), so we are covering their airfare and meals for the trip to South Carolina, and they are paying for their motel rooms, since we know they are not flush early in their married lives with kids and homes. But they are expected to find the funds for their normal debts and daily living. There were times I lived on hot dogs and pasta, and it helped me appreciate where I am today. I don't think it would mean as much now if it had all been given to me. Help them find their own ways out of their situations. Financial counselors or religious counselors sound like wonderful recommendations.

Good luck to you all in solving your situation.

 

[AngliaGT]

He is learning that he doesn't have to worry because daddy will bail him out.

Amen, Brother. 100%

That is NOT at all the case here - he's really trying tio find a job,
but it's not happening.He feels very guilty about being a burden on us.
I'm really sorry that I burdened anyone with my problems.

- Doug

 

[jessebogan]

Well lets see here. Can you use your son to get some of the "grunt work" done on some of your automotive fleet? ( I was thinking B 210 maybe) I know that a second set of hands can be a great help, and if you have a plan to work together, more motivation to get something done. If you finish the car, and sell it, split the dough, and use it to pay down your debt as well as his. He would be earning the dough, helping you, and maybe learning some new skills at the same time.

 

[JodyFKerr]

Now that is a danged good idea!

 

[drooartz]

I'm really sorry that I burdened anyone with my problems.

Please don't feel like you're burdening us, Doug. You're our friend, we help our friends. Enough said.

Unfortunately all we can do here is offer you some advice, maybe give you some things to think about that you might not have come up with. In the end it's your call, you have all the information to know what's best.

PM, email, or call (you should still have my #) if you need an ear. Happy to help if I can.

 

[RichBall]

Hey Doug,

I feel you on this one. We help out the son sometimes more than I can afford, but can't let the Grandkids go hungry.

Just a comment about the student loans. DO NOT IGNORE the phone calls. If they are Government student loans have your Son and Daughter call them and get set up on forbearance as was mentioned before. This is a delayed payment option. While it delays the payment interest still incurs on the loan. This should give them the break they need to get things turned around. And just so your kids know, not that they are thinking this mind you, government guaranteed student loans can not be discharged in a bankruptcy.