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JamesWilson
Yoda
Offline
Does your car have character? (I've seen this posted various places but it seems to have originated with Road & Track, March, 1998, written by Peter Egan.)
Take the following test to see how much character your car really has.
1. If your car's overall design represents the vision of just one man who is now dead, but who once struck terror, dread and/or awe into the hearts of his employees, give yourself 50 points.
2. If you feel compelled, at the time of purchase, to buy a 300-page Official Factory Shop Manual to go with your car, give yourself 25 points.
3. Fifteen points if the car comes with a useful tool kit.
4. Twenty points more if the tools are ever actually needed to fix the car; 10 more if it's raining or snowing when this happens.
5. If your car can be loaned out to another person with less than 15 minutes of careful instruction on its peculiarities, deduct 20 points.
6. If you died suddenly and no one else on earth would be able to start the car or keep it running, give yourself 75 points.
7. Fifty points for any chassis and/or body with more than 25 percent wood content. Another 10 if it already has termites, carpenter ants or dry rot, and 20 bonus points if the door actually comes off in your hand.
8. Forty points for wire wheels. Ten more for "unsafe" knockoff spinners with ears.
9. Deduct 200 points for wire-wheel hubcaps; 50 off for "bolt-on" wire wheels.
10. If your car, or one very much like it, ever won its class at LeMans or in the Targa Florio or Mille Miglia, give yourself 100 points.
11. Fifty points for SU or Weber carburetors. If it has three or more, add another 20. If your carburetors are located above the distributor and you never carry a fire extinguisher, give yourself 50 points for hubris.
12. Fifty points more for carburetors with velocity stacks and no air cleaners; 25 points more if the velocity stacks protrude from the bodywork.
13. Seventy-five points extra if any of the words "Halibrand," "Judson," "Shorrock" or "Offenhauser" appear anywhere on or in your car.
14. Award yourself 200 points if the car is French. You deserve it.
15. If replacing the clutch requires that the entire engine and transmission be pulled, give yourself 50 points.
16. If you would rather commit suicide than do another clutch job, give yourself an added 50 points and call the E-Type Owners' Hotline.
17. If the valve adjustment procedure is so arcane that you are contemplating selling the car rather than either adjusting the valves yourself or paying to have it done, award yourself 40 points. If you have to go out of state or cross a time zone for this or any other form of basic maintenance, add 40 more.
18. Fifty points for any car with a Laycock de Normanville overdrive unit. Ten more if you just love to say "Laycock de Normanville" aloud, apropos of nothing, in the checkout line at the supermarket.
19. Seventy-five points for any car whose engine heat causes passengers to request you let them off early, near "a friend's house" or a phone booth.
20. Automatic 100 points for any air-cooled car. Twenty-five more if the leaking heater boxes give you a carbon-monoxide headache, and a bonus 10 if the fan belt makes a right-angle turn from the crankshaft pulley. Air-cooled cars with swing axles located ahead of the engine get another 50 and 20 more if they have roof damage.
21. Give yourself 30 points if you have to spell the name of your car more than three times to your insurance agent over the phone, and then it still shows up spelled wrong on your insurance contract.
22. Collect 50 points if your car has Brooklands windscreens, but subtract 100 points if you put them on an inappropriate car, such as a Datsun B210 Honey Bee.
23. One point for every "Lift-the-Dot" snap that doesn't line up with any visible grommet on your weather equipment.
24. If, on the roadside, you are brought to your knees, exhausted, by a convertible top that will not stretch far enough to reach the "Lift-the-Dot" snaps, give yourself 40 points. Forty more if it's raining. Ten-point bonus if you are on the Dan Ryan Expressway at night.
25. One hundred points for side curtains, and 50 more if they bellow out and scoop whatever weather they were intended to help you avoid.
26. Thirty points for either a crank-handle starter, a vestigial crank-starter hole through the radiator, or a starter button under the clutch pedal.
27. Deduct 500 points for any car whose door window glass does not go all the way down on the rear passenger doors. Then write a letter to the company and ask what they were thinking.
28. One hundred points for having a large American station wagon instead of a minivan or a sport-utility vehicle. Fifty more for "Vista-Cruiser" roof windows or a rear facing jump seat.
29. Fifty points for any car that has more than 40 bhp for each inch of tire width.
30. If your car's engine designer grew up within 300 miles of the birthplace of Giuseppe Verdi, give yourself 100 points.
31. If your car is, or ever was, the fastest production car on earth, add another 100 points.
32. If a fighter pilot of any nationality might have driven your car or one like it, to an airfield during the Battle of Britain, give yourself 100 points. If he wasn't able to get to the airfield because of "gudgeon-pin" failure or the malfunction of any Lucas electrical component, add another 100.
33. Fifty points if your car was driven in a movie-or in real life-by Steve McQueen, James Dean, Clark Gable or Jacques Tati.
34. Twenty points if your Official Factory Shop Manual recommends "decoking" the cylinder head at intervals of less than 1,500 miles.
35. If you come out of a movie at night and accidentally try your keys in another car that looks just like yours, subtract 500 points. This has never happened to a car with character.
Take the following test to see how much character your car really has.
1. If your car's overall design represents the vision of just one man who is now dead, but who once struck terror, dread and/or awe into the hearts of his employees, give yourself 50 points.
2. If you feel compelled, at the time of purchase, to buy a 300-page Official Factory Shop Manual to go with your car, give yourself 25 points.
3. Fifteen points if the car comes with a useful tool kit.
4. Twenty points more if the tools are ever actually needed to fix the car; 10 more if it's raining or snowing when this happens.
5. If your car can be loaned out to another person with less than 15 minutes of careful instruction on its peculiarities, deduct 20 points.
6. If you died suddenly and no one else on earth would be able to start the car or keep it running, give yourself 75 points.
7. Fifty points for any chassis and/or body with more than 25 percent wood content. Another 10 if it already has termites, carpenter ants or dry rot, and 20 bonus points if the door actually comes off in your hand.
8. Forty points for wire wheels. Ten more for "unsafe" knockoff spinners with ears.
9. Deduct 200 points for wire-wheel hubcaps; 50 off for "bolt-on" wire wheels.
10. If your car, or one very much like it, ever won its class at LeMans or in the Targa Florio or Mille Miglia, give yourself 100 points.
11. Fifty points for SU or Weber carburetors. If it has three or more, add another 20. If your carburetors are located above the distributor and you never carry a fire extinguisher, give yourself 50 points for hubris.
12. Fifty points more for carburetors with velocity stacks and no air cleaners; 25 points more if the velocity stacks protrude from the bodywork.
13. Seventy-five points extra if any of the words "Halibrand," "Judson," "Shorrock" or "Offenhauser" appear anywhere on or in your car.
14. Award yourself 200 points if the car is French. You deserve it.
15. If replacing the clutch requires that the entire engine and transmission be pulled, give yourself 50 points.
16. If you would rather commit suicide than do another clutch job, give yourself an added 50 points and call the E-Type Owners' Hotline.
17. If the valve adjustment procedure is so arcane that you are contemplating selling the car rather than either adjusting the valves yourself or paying to have it done, award yourself 40 points. If you have to go out of state or cross a time zone for this or any other form of basic maintenance, add 40 more.
18. Fifty points for any car with a Laycock de Normanville overdrive unit. Ten more if you just love to say "Laycock de Normanville" aloud, apropos of nothing, in the checkout line at the supermarket.
19. Seventy-five points for any car whose engine heat causes passengers to request you let them off early, near "a friend's house" or a phone booth.
20. Automatic 100 points for any air-cooled car. Twenty-five more if the leaking heater boxes give you a carbon-monoxide headache, and a bonus 10 if the fan belt makes a right-angle turn from the crankshaft pulley. Air-cooled cars with swing axles located ahead of the engine get another 50 and 20 more if they have roof damage.
21. Give yourself 30 points if you have to spell the name of your car more than three times to your insurance agent over the phone, and then it still shows up spelled wrong on your insurance contract.
22. Collect 50 points if your car has Brooklands windscreens, but subtract 100 points if you put them on an inappropriate car, such as a Datsun B210 Honey Bee.
23. One point for every "Lift-the-Dot" snap that doesn't line up with any visible grommet on your weather equipment.
24. If, on the roadside, you are brought to your knees, exhausted, by a convertible top that will not stretch far enough to reach the "Lift-the-Dot" snaps, give yourself 40 points. Forty more if it's raining. Ten-point bonus if you are on the Dan Ryan Expressway at night.
25. One hundred points for side curtains, and 50 more if they bellow out and scoop whatever weather they were intended to help you avoid.
26. Thirty points for either a crank-handle starter, a vestigial crank-starter hole through the radiator, or a starter button under the clutch pedal.
27. Deduct 500 points for any car whose door window glass does not go all the way down on the rear passenger doors. Then write a letter to the company and ask what they were thinking.
28. One hundred points for having a large American station wagon instead of a minivan or a sport-utility vehicle. Fifty more for "Vista-Cruiser" roof windows or a rear facing jump seat.
29. Fifty points for any car that has more than 40 bhp for each inch of tire width.
30. If your car's engine designer grew up within 300 miles of the birthplace of Giuseppe Verdi, give yourself 100 points.
31. If your car is, or ever was, the fastest production car on earth, add another 100 points.
32. If a fighter pilot of any nationality might have driven your car or one like it, to an airfield during the Battle of Britain, give yourself 100 points. If he wasn't able to get to the airfield because of "gudgeon-pin" failure or the malfunction of any Lucas electrical component, add another 100.
33. Fifty points if your car was driven in a movie-or in real life-by Steve McQueen, James Dean, Clark Gable or Jacques Tati.
34. Twenty points if your Official Factory Shop Manual recommends "decoking" the cylinder head at intervals of less than 1,500 miles.
35. If you come out of a movie at night and accidentally try your keys in another car that looks just like yours, subtract 500 points. This has never happened to a car with character.
