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Beyond sickening!

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My wife, Masters in psychology, philosophy and paedagogics says;
Babies are egocentric. A young mother, who has possibly been mistreated herself as a child, can develop an enemy projection of a baby who robs her of her freedom and own egotistic values. She can give the child the fault and think that the baby is doing it deliberately... That the child has it's own agenda to make life hard on the mother... That the child is deliberately causing disharmony and anxiety in the house by demanding attention. Most likely the child has been emotionally and physically abused for a long period of time. The child under severe mistreatment or neglect begin to disconnect from personal contact, though her natural instinct is to attain personal contact. She will therefore again try harder, again to be neglected or attacked, at which time she will disconnect again. Each time she tries to gain attention she will be more direct and demanding. The mother thinks that the baby is being purpousfully willful and unreasonably demanding. The mother cannot see her own role in this interaction and cannot give the child the appropriate attention, nurturing and loving care. Instead the parents explode, or with intent hurt the child as punishment. This is not unique. It is unfortunately a sad fate for many of the abused children in the world.
 
but what can be done to prevent it?

Tom
 
NutmegCT said:
but what can be done to prevent it?

Tom
Click to expand...

1. Death if they are deemed competent.

2. Life behind bars or in mental institution - these optio s will prevent THOSE TWO from ever doing such a thing again.

3. Improve social services, especially where children are involved.

4. Make adoption a little more accessible for folks.

These are just a few things.
 
How would that be possible without it being misused and even abused on some spurious pretext or reason Tom?

Stuart. /bcforum/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/cheers.gif
 
Bugeye58 said:
Just give me five minutes alone with them...................
No, make that five <u>months</u> alone with them.
Scum!
Jeff
Click to expand...

takes a lot less time than that to pull a trigger twice...


mark
 
There are some states in the USA, as well as some other countries, which have a "safe haven" law, which allows a mother to leave - permanently - a newborn at any hospital. It's a sad comment on society, but it's better than some of the alternatives.

However, I'm betting that much child abuse is often a "spur of the moment" thing. Unstable people lose control and take out their anger (or whatever ...) on the nearest defenseless being around. And that being can be a spouse, a parent, or even a roomie, as frequently as a child.

As far as prevention, Basil's hit it on the mark, especially with 3 and 4. Altho' I might add a real whiz-bang to the mix:

All people at birth could be given a long-term birth control hormone. Only after reaching age 25 (?) and holding a long-term (5 years?) job, and supporting themselves, and having written references from several (3?) property-owners over age 40 (?), could people receive the birth control "antidote".

(bet that'll get some conversations flowing ...)

Tom
 
Sadly I don't think there are a lot of real good answers.

When I first read Basil's post I thought of a kid and his family that I happened on a lot of years ago. I was sitting at the counter in a local restaurant and a family, father, mother, young son, and a younger daughter sat at a nearby table. They were obviously on vacation and passing through. The father was edgy and was taking it out on the son. It was also apparent that they did not have a lot of money for their trip.

The father was escalating his attitude towards the boy and things were beginning to get serious. Having been in the boys position there was no doubt as to the situation.

I got up and went by their table on my way out. I stopped by the table and made a simple compliment to the parents about their kids. The father suddenly realized what he was doing, the mother gave me a very grateful look, and the boy's expression was of relief. Probably not a permanent result but it did have a good effect. A few more pleasantries and I left.

I guess the point is that much of this problem is probably more impulse than consious thought.
 
Thanks Tom. That's the best post I've read on this forum (or anywhere for that matter) for a long time.
 
"I stopped by the table and made a simple compliment to the parents about their kids."

Tom - if only more folks did what you did. You most likely changed that child's life for the better, more than you'll ever know.

And if only there were a way to do what you did, after they go back home and "close the door".

Tom
 
SilentUnicorn said:
Bugeye58 said:
Just give me five minutes alone with them...................
No, make that five <u>months</u> alone with them.
Scum!
Jeff
Click to expand...

takes a lot less time than that to pull a trigger twice...


mark
Click to expand...

That'd be too quick and painless for my taste, Mark.
Jeff
 
I fully understand that my experience does not compare to this little girl. I only try to try to show it just isn't easy to understand. And some sense of a need to let some of it out. Sorry you folks are the ones that get to put up with it.

This is a very complex issue. I have been somewhat candid on the forum about myself and this issue. And even though I share some things with other victims, we all have our own story.

It happens that my mother was the worst part of my situation. My dad was very abusive but mom was the one in control and he did not have the will to stand up to her. An extremely controlling person. She did things I still have not been able to deal with.

I was with both when they died and was actually holding their hands when they died. Go figure.

My mother died a horrific death from cancer in 1989. Through her last days and during the time of the wake and funeral I did my best to look respectful and sad to at least not offend family. In reality I felt joy, happiness, and profound relief. Not proud of it, but that is the reality.

My dad had a massive stroke a few years ago. My sister and I were executors of his living will and following his wishes, made the decision to take him off of life support. The funny thing was that I spent a lot of time with him as he lay there and was with him when he passed. Here is the strange thing, I really felt bad. It bothered me that we had never had the chance to know each other and now never would. And after all the abuse, after the funeral outside the church I wept uncontrollably at the loss. I guess that in some ways I feel he was also a victim.

We can't always "do something" with the abusers. They are often difficult to identify until it is too late.

I have worked with Big Brother type groups and do a lot of volunteer work that tries to give a different perspective to the time kids and parents spend together so they have some good memories to draw on.

I do not know if it is the best thing I could do but it is something I can do. I would be interested to know what some of you do.
 
Tom - I totally agree on the "can't always do something" issue. As humans we're subject to *lots* of emotions, and each of us today is the result of innumerable experiences, both consciously and unconsciously perceived, in our past.

In my own childhood I was abused both emotionally and physically, leaving me with the inability to develop close relationships. Completely wrecked any chance I had at falling in love, getting married, or being a father. You definitely "can't always fix problems", altho' I've been able to make some progress over the last 50 years.

After over 30 years teaching, and being a "counselor" to gazillions of young folks, I think I've had to replace the natural "parent" in me with being a surrogate parent to students (and even now, to younger co-workers). Due to some of my parents' problems back when I was a teen, I'm now, like you, one of those people who can see "tension" in a relationship and then does whatever possible to bring back some balance - and hopefully prevent another young person from being abused.

Looking back at all this, one thing is for sure: you run the race with the horses you've got. Congratulations to you on making the best of a very negative long-term experience.

Tom
 
tomshobby said:
I got up and went by their table on my way out. I stopped by the table and made a simple compliment to the parents about their kids. The father suddenly realized what he was doing, the mother gave me a very grateful look, and the boy's expression was of relief. Probably not a permanent result but it did have a good effect. A few more pleasantries and I left.

I guess the point is that much of this problem is probably more impulse than consious thought.
Click to expand...

Bravo, Tom! /bcforum/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/thumbsup.gif

Reminds me of a quote by a certain presidential hopeful:

"It takes a village to raise a child."

Mickey
 
This didn't happen in a vaccuum. Where were the neighbors, friends, relatives,etc. that had to know something was going on? Apathy is as much to blame here as the parents.
 
This is obviously an emotional topic and there are no easy answers. I'm going to lock this thread now, but leave in place.

Basil
 
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