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8 Laws of Italian Sports Cars

JPSmit

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The Eight Laws of Italian Sports Cars

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Eight Laws of
Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners' dependency on sorcerers and prayer to keep such cars running. Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the problems of the moment, but may cause hives or allergies in said owners.

1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER
The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1.0 rpm due to a basic lack of strength. An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V-12's of the late '60's. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cams’ metal appeared to be recycled coat hangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.

2) THE LAW OF NON - FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS
All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown. It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest
the natural balance of the car be upset.
3) THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS
All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, color-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change color-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated. This
tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others.
4) THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE
The more an Italian auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner. For example, you purchase an Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odor reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.
5) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS
All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life. Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at
midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes pleading and threats will be ignored.
6) THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS
Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car shall be written so that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average American. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, its information shall be
wrong. This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then: Kaboom!
7) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE TOOLS
Numerous "specialist tools" will be referred to or shown in the shop manual. No living person can ever confirm that such tools actually exist.
8) THE LAW OF TOOL /FASTENER COMPATIBILITY

Every nut in the car will be 13mm, except the one you are trying to remove, which is a size for which you don't have a wrench, and it is rounded anyway.
 
A copy of "8 Laws of Italian Sports Cars" washed ashore on a beach in Puerto Rico where it was treated with awe and revere. Unfortunately over time some of the title was lost and it became known as the "8 Laws of Cars" and has been used in automotive tech schools and repair shops ever since. :laugh:
 
:wall: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:]Every nut in the car will be 13mm, except the one you are trying to remove, which is a size for which you don't have a wrench, and it is rounded anyway [/QUOTE]

Not only is it a wrench you don't have- it'll be one that NO one has- a 19/32nds for example...

If it's rounded, then what it was originally hardly matters... and, of course, its a given that it's unobtainable/irreplaceable.
 
angelfj said:
This of course suggests that Lucas was actually Italian.

Absolutely right!

https://www.babyhold.com/list/Italian_Baby_Names/Lucca/details/

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:]
Lucca

The name Lucca is a baby boy name. The name Lucca comes from the Italian origin. <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="text-decoration: underline">In Italian The meaning of the name Lucca is: Light.</span></span> In Italy the name is spelled as Luca.
[/QUOTE]

:devilgrin: :yesnod:
 
All I can say,James,is you have way too much time on your hands. :devilgrin: :jester:
Thank you for sharing the "Light" with us. :thumbsup:

Stuart. :cheers:
 
<span style="font-size: 10pt">Ah, but there are times when pure beauty over shadows all! </span>

alfaromeo-c8-spider.jpg
 
PAUL161 said:
<span style="font-size: 10pt">Ah, but there are times when pure beauty over shadows all! </span>

alfaromeo-c8-spider.jpg

NOW I understand why Bulls get all worked up when they see red! :thumbsup:
 
is there a car in that picture?
 
That is one of the first times that I have taken in all the details of the car in a picture before looking at the girls! A sign I am getting old? Probably not, that there car is GORGEOUS!!! Day-ummmmmm!
 
No, Steve, it's a sign that you are a "car nut". :devilgrin: :jester:

And maybe too much "Watching with Mother". :devilgrin:
I agree, the car is gorgeous. :thumbsup:

Stuart. :cheers:
 
My vulejnre jus jvku to a kae! Qfhj!


*pant* *pant*

:smirk:
 
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