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What News of England?

Geo Hahn

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FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
 
All too common, indeed! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yesnod.gif
 
And:

https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3936213.stm

"Innocent men must pay prison bill

Vincent and Michael Hickey spent 18 years in prison
Two men wrongly jailed for murder for 18 years must pay for the money they saved in "board and lodgings" while in prison, the Court of Appeal has ruled.

...."

I'm sure that the food was delectable, the accommodation delightful, and the company, er, stimulating....
 
George:

How about the one where a fellow in London did a bit of shoplifting that went badly - Seems he tried to steal a live lobster from a supermarket by stuffing it down the front of his trousers - He apparently dislodged one of the beast's claw restraining rubber bands in the process and you can guess what happened next...

The manager of the store came running hearing the shrieks of agony and called the paramedics - He laughed so hard he admitted that he wouldn't press charges against the perp - for what else could the courts do that would be worse than what he'd already suffered!

I can't remember where I read that, but it's not put-on - it really happened - talk about stupid crooks!

Now for my own "Lobster Tale" - again, I swear this isn't a joke -

My father worked for Bell Aircraft ( Now Bell Aerospace ) in Niagara Falls, NY right after WW2 - He had a buddy who was one of Bell's test pilots who owned a small 4 seater Piper Plane and he flew casual charters on occasion to pick up a few buicks and for an excuse to fly - One week he had a charter to fly 2 business types one- way up to Portland, Maine for some conference, so he gathered his pals together and they all chipped in to buy a case on Lobsters and bring em' back alive to Niagara Falls as the guests of honor at a clambake
He dropped his charter, bought the lobsters ( live, on ice) and headed back to Niagara Falls - Everything went fine till he got to Albany where he was force to land because of severe thunderstorms - He was grounded for most of the day, all of that night and part of the next morning. He finally took off and got to crusing altitude when his vast error in judgement made itself apparent- In the intervening period the ice melted and the lobsters came to in the back floor of the cockpit - So here he is with 24 live Maine Lobsters crawling through the plane like Hitler's army overrunning Europe - Well, you can't really pull over at a curb market for more ice, so he just kept picking the critters up and tossing them over the seat - just enought to keep them from getting under his footpedals and gumming up the works - This worked pretty well but Albany to the Falls in a light plane is a fairly long ride so by the time he got back He and his plane smelled like a fishmarket and a couple of the lobsters had succumbed to blunt object trauma - Needless to say, the cookout was called on account of death(s) in the lobsters' family.

True story! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
 
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