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With thanks to an anonymous author.......
It's been over 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past
the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this
stretch of water sir.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of
being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even
be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, ☼☼☼☼☼☼
and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.
What about ☼☼☼☼☼☼?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case - kiss me Hardy.
It's been over 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past
the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this
stretch of water sir.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of
being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even
be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, ☼☼☼☼☼☼
and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.
What about ☼☼☼☼☼☼?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case - kiss me Hardy.
