low budget home security

[weewillie]

Low Budget Home Security System


HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,
a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
And messed him up real bad I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

 

[DrEntropy]

I'm likin' that a lot, Will!

 

[HandyAndy]

FROM THE BACK OF THE GARAGE

"YOU MAY THINK THAT STUFF RUNNING FROM YOUR NOSE IS WATER, BUT IT'S NOT"

It was a day like any other, I suppose. I was looking at some Healey anti-theft devices. You know the ones I mean; alarms, horn blowers, and the window stickers which state the car is protected by something. I could not afford anything so I decided I would invent my own. This story is true. I have actually done this. The inner workings of these devices are secret, patented, and copyrighted, so don't fool around.
This always works: A handkerchief covered with snot, blood and large yellow honkers. This drapes over the steering wheel. There is not a thief in the world that will touch this filth. The choice is the expensive commercial model or the Do-It-Yourself. The commercial model is done using synthetic materials and non-animal products. The DIY type takes some time to produce and several persons of the same family may want contribute to its production. If you have a family dog, cat or gerbil, this will help. You can pick up bits and pieces around the house and add scat, firmly pressed, to the handkerchief. Allow drying for several days or months lying flat. If left to dry in a crumpled condition, many bits and pieces will come off in the spreading process.
Another device, a poor man's "Club", may be improvised using a common household broom tied to the steering wheel of your Healey with white clothes line or yellow nylon cord. The prospective Healeystealer will note the bright color of the clothesline or cord and realize this is a cunning ploy to disarm the mind of a brilliant thief. The thief will realize no one who is half way intelligent would resort to something this stupid and surmise there is a hidden device waiting to ensnare the unwary.
Another patent I am quite proud of is the Drivers License Holder or DLH. This device may be made at home or you may want to purchase my commercial models. These Holders come in your favorite materials; terrycloth, denim, or Manly Canvas. Corduroy was once popular with the Sports Car crowd but has fallen in disfavor of late. In England, the Thatched model is still popular, but only in the Northern counties.
The DLH is molded in cloth and shaped like your favorite hand-held weapon. It has a clear plastic window in it, behind which is placed your driver’s license. The object of carrying such an obstruction to justice is when an officer of the law stops you, you are able to reach into pocket or purse and heft the DLH, as a whole, to the officer. After all they always ask you to remove your license from the container, wallet or purse anyway, so why not have it in a single container and ready at a moments notice.
Impress your friends and amaze your family.
And have your living will made out and signed.