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PC
Obi Wan
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Chris Erskine:
Los Angeles Times
November 27, 2003
In THE HARSH AUTUMN weather, the Mayflower bobbed around like a rubber duck, without satellite navigation or even ship-to-shore radio. You think the Titanic had problems? It's a wonder the Pilgrims found America at all.
So what if, due to some historical double-reverse, the Pilgrims had landed on the West Coast instead of in stodgy, cold New England? How would Thanksgiving — and our ever-humble little nation — now be different? Nibble on these giblets:
— Nevada would've been one of the 13 original Colonies.
— Maine would've been the 50th state.
— The landing party would've been "clothing-optional."
— The Indian women would've arrived for the feast wearing miniskirts and Ugg boots.
— At that first Thanksgiving, a Pilgrim dad would've begun the evening's prayer with, "Yo dudes, listen up."
— USC would've been jokingly referred to as the "University of Spoiled Colonists."
— At dinner, the Indians would've explained, "If you think life in Holland was hard, stay out of Hollywood."
— You know that big boulder up in Morro Bay? Plymouth Rock.
— Where the San Fernando Valley now is? Brooklyn.
— The Indians would've greeted the Pilgrims bearing sunscreen and spec scripts.
— Upon arrival, the Pilgrims would explain that they were religious zealots looking for a fresh start. The Indians would nod graciously, then make plans to move to Oregon.
— Capt. John Smith would've been a long-boarder.
— Miles Standish would've been known fondly as "Moondoggie."
— Pocahontas would've been a hostess in one of the nicer Indian casinos.
— Pilgrim elders would've sent notes back home, complaining: "You wouldn't believe California. There's no there there. And the restaurants all close before 10 p.m."
— But Pilgrim teenagers would say: "We totally love the New World. You can ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon."
— The Mayflower Compact would've mentioned "foreign distribution" and "points."
— By their second year here, several of the Pilgrim moms would've had tummy tucks; two others would've had their chins done.
— William Bradford would've run for governor of the new colony, often mentioning his immigrant background.
— The settlers would've purchased Balboa Island for $24.
— The Ivy League would now consist of Stanford, Berkeley, Caltech, UCLA and USC.
— Those witch trials? In Orange County.
— The signing of the Declaration of Independence? Bakersfield.
— By the third year, two of the Pilgrim husbands would've run off with a couple of those Indians in the Ugg boots.
— You'd have salmon in the oven right now, not turkey.
— Instead of cranberry sauce? Guacamole.
— Tonight, we'd all be eating the traditional Thanksgiving dessert — crème brûlée.
— To raise money for the new colony, the Mayflower would have offered a three-day, two-night cruise to Ensenada.
— In later years, Horace Greeley would've urged, "Go East, young man. Go East."
— Instead of an eagle on the back of the U.S. quarter, there'd be a beach umbrella and hibachi.
— New York would be a great big freeway.
— L.A. would now be known for its great subways and far-reaching mass transit system.
— The Statue of Liberty would be located in Newport Harbor.
— The Louisiana Purchase would've included Atlantic City and Scranton.
— Somewhere, the Bill of Rights would've mentioned tanning salons and implants.
— Centuries later, people looking for a fresh start in life would be moving to Connecticut.
— By 1680, a nice three-bedroom Pilgrim bungalow in Santa Monica would've fetched $1.2 mil.
— To protest British policies, the colonists would've staged the San Francisco Tea Party. It would've been nonviolent.
— The nation's capital would be located in Portland.
— After the big Thanksgiving feast, everyone would've chilled for a while, then climbed into an Indian hot tub.
— The War of 1812 would've lasted only six hours, halted by environmentalists filing an injunction over air quality and noise.
— Our national anthem would now contain the phrase, "those gnarly bombs, bursting in air … "
— In football, run-and-gun offenses would now be known as "East Coast offenses."
— In 1958, the O'Malley family would've moved the Dodgers from L.A. to Brooklyn.
— The first winter, the Pilgrims would've had far more meat and grain than they could have ever eaten.
— And a little too much wine.
— And fresh roses on the table that they'd later fashion into gigantic parade floats for other holidays to come.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Los Angeles Times
November 27, 2003
In THE HARSH AUTUMN weather, the Mayflower bobbed around like a rubber duck, without satellite navigation or even ship-to-shore radio. You think the Titanic had problems? It's a wonder the Pilgrims found America at all.
So what if, due to some historical double-reverse, the Pilgrims had landed on the West Coast instead of in stodgy, cold New England? How would Thanksgiving — and our ever-humble little nation — now be different? Nibble on these giblets:
— Nevada would've been one of the 13 original Colonies.
— Maine would've been the 50th state.
— The landing party would've been "clothing-optional."
— The Indian women would've arrived for the feast wearing miniskirts and Ugg boots.
— At that first Thanksgiving, a Pilgrim dad would've begun the evening's prayer with, "Yo dudes, listen up."
— USC would've been jokingly referred to as the "University of Spoiled Colonists."
— At dinner, the Indians would've explained, "If you think life in Holland was hard, stay out of Hollywood."
— You know that big boulder up in Morro Bay? Plymouth Rock.
— Where the San Fernando Valley now is? Brooklyn.
— The Indians would've greeted the Pilgrims bearing sunscreen and spec scripts.
— Upon arrival, the Pilgrims would explain that they were religious zealots looking for a fresh start. The Indians would nod graciously, then make plans to move to Oregon.
— Capt. John Smith would've been a long-boarder.
— Miles Standish would've been known fondly as "Moondoggie."
— Pocahontas would've been a hostess in one of the nicer Indian casinos.
— Pilgrim elders would've sent notes back home, complaining: "You wouldn't believe California. There's no there there. And the restaurants all close before 10 p.m."
— But Pilgrim teenagers would say: "We totally love the New World. You can ski in the morning and surf in the afternoon."
— The Mayflower Compact would've mentioned "foreign distribution" and "points."
— By their second year here, several of the Pilgrim moms would've had tummy tucks; two others would've had their chins done.
— William Bradford would've run for governor of the new colony, often mentioning his immigrant background.
— The settlers would've purchased Balboa Island for $24.
— The Ivy League would now consist of Stanford, Berkeley, Caltech, UCLA and USC.
— Those witch trials? In Orange County.
— The signing of the Declaration of Independence? Bakersfield.
— By the third year, two of the Pilgrim husbands would've run off with a couple of those Indians in the Ugg boots.
— You'd have salmon in the oven right now, not turkey.
— Instead of cranberry sauce? Guacamole.
— Tonight, we'd all be eating the traditional Thanksgiving dessert — crème brûlée.
— To raise money for the new colony, the Mayflower would have offered a three-day, two-night cruise to Ensenada.
— In later years, Horace Greeley would've urged, "Go East, young man. Go East."
— Instead of an eagle on the back of the U.S. quarter, there'd be a beach umbrella and hibachi.
— New York would be a great big freeway.
— L.A. would now be known for its great subways and far-reaching mass transit system.
— The Statue of Liberty would be located in Newport Harbor.
— The Louisiana Purchase would've included Atlantic City and Scranton.
— Somewhere, the Bill of Rights would've mentioned tanning salons and implants.
— Centuries later, people looking for a fresh start in life would be moving to Connecticut.
— By 1680, a nice three-bedroom Pilgrim bungalow in Santa Monica would've fetched $1.2 mil.
— To protest British policies, the colonists would've staged the San Francisco Tea Party. It would've been nonviolent.
— The nation's capital would be located in Portland.
— After the big Thanksgiving feast, everyone would've chilled for a while, then climbed into an Indian hot tub.
— The War of 1812 would've lasted only six hours, halted by environmentalists filing an injunction over air quality and noise.
— Our national anthem would now contain the phrase, "those gnarly bombs, bursting in air … "
— In football, run-and-gun offenses would now be known as "East Coast offenses."
— In 1958, the O'Malley family would've moved the Dodgers from L.A. to Brooklyn.
— The first winter, the Pilgrims would've had far more meat and grain than they could have ever eaten.
— And a little too much wine.
— And fresh roses on the table that they'd later fashion into gigantic parade floats for other holidays to come.
Happy Thanksgiving.
