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Stewart

Stewart

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Great truths that children have learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is angry with your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is grandad's lap.

Great truths that adults have learned

1. Talking to teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old

1. Growing old is mandatory - growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age but sometimes age comes alone.

The four stages of life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Success

At the age of 4 success is... not wetting your pants.

At the age of 12 success is... having friends.

At the age of 17 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 35 success is... having money.

At the age of 50 success is... having money.

At the age of 70 success is... having a drivers licence.

At the age of 75 success is... having friends.

At the age of 80 success is... not wetting your pants.
 
Stewart, you just wrote my life story!

Thanks, that is really funny.

:lol:

Dave :savewave:
 
LOL Funny! :lol:
 
Along those same lines....

<span style="font-weight: bold">Things I learned from children...</span>

A can of soda will make a great geyser when hit with a hammer. A 12 pack makes a BIG puddle.

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 
terriphill said:
60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Click to expand...

I was thinking along the lines of the marbles in the gas tank. BUUUUHAHAHAHA:devilgrin:
 
would that be DOT 4 or DOT 5....


m
 
If you want a REALLY interesting interaction, mix Brake Fluid and HTH - a powdered pool chemical..... :whistle: .......or so I am TOLD.....
 
SilentUnicorn said:
would that be DOT 4 or DOT 5....
Click to expand...
DOT 3/4. DOT 5 just sits there.

And HTH is basically dry chlorine, the active ingredient in bleach.
 
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