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From 2012 Bulwer-Lytton contest

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Bayless

Bayless

Yoda
Silver
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Winner in the Crime category.

She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted on … not with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered-down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and – just like that cheap paint – the dress needed two more coats to cover her. — Sue Fondrie, Appleton, WI
 
:lol:
 
AH - love those contests!

If you have several hours to kill (!!!) take a look at their website, and check out some of the past winners - not to mention the "Dishonorable Mentions", like this one:

<span style="font-style: italic"> Elaine was a big woman, and in her tiny Smart Car, stakeouts were always hard for her, especially in the August sun where the humidity made her massive thighs, under her lightweight cotton dress, stick together like two walruses in heat. </span>
 
There really are some creative people out there.
 
Not from Bulwer-Lytton, but could easily be:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib-cage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say....



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"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
 
"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual." — Dan McKay, Fargo, ND

Found this one on their web site it was the Grand prize winner from 2005.
 
I'd claim enlightenment....

...but there's a strange, cast metal bird on my desk. It looks falcon-like.
 
waltesefalcon said:
"... the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual." — Dan McKay, Fargo, ND
Click to expand...

That's what ya get with KY in the dampers. :cooler:
 
That's a great one Walt.
 
Doc, is that strange falcon like bird painted black?
 
waltesefalcon said:
"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual." — Dan McKay, Fargo, ND

Found this one on their web site it was the Grand prize winner from 2005.
Click to expand...


I just about fell out of my chair laughing reading this
 
John250 said:
waltesefalcon said:
"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual." — Dan McKay, Fargo, ND

Found this one on their web site it was the Grand prize winner from 2005.
Click to expand...


I just about fell out of my chair laughing reading this
Click to expand...
My wife read that one...and now she knows why I spend so much time staring into the engine compartment.
 
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