Financial jokes

[Stewart]

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronized diving.

2. I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.

3. Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce.
I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

4. What's the capital of Iceland?
About $3.50.

5. Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

6. Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.

7. Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday night.

8." I tried to make a withdrawal from an ATM and the machine said
'Insufficient Funds'. I wasn't sure if it meant for me or the bank."

9. "I lent my friend $20 last week and according to the market I qualify as
the country's 4th largest lender."

10. Broker to Client: "I've got good news - you'll be paying 40% less in
fees for the foreseeable future!"

11. I wrote a check for $100 to my friend but he never got it; the check was
good, the bank bounced.

12. The crisis is so bad, Bank ATM's now have slot machines.

 

[JamesWilson]

More:

The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.

I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!

Q: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


How Rockfeller did it:
At 18 years old, Rockfeller had no money. He found an apple in the street. The fruit was dirty he cleaned it and resold it 50 cents to a man walking in the street ... with his 50 cents he bought 2 apples 25 cents each, and resold them $1 to another man walking in the street ... with his 1 dollar he bought 4 apples, and resold them of course $2 ... at 19 years he inherited from his grandmother...


A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."