how to read a Haynes Manual

Oops.. The definition for tight fit is actually " Not a chance in heck mate! "

How To Read A Haynes Manual

Haynes: Rotate counter-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
counter-clockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry off
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the heck did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the socket part (and maybe a piece of glass or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One Difficulty rating…
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it
up?

Haynes: Two Difficulty rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was
a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more useful to
you).

Haynes: Three Difficulty rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four Difficulty rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five Difficulty rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw
it at the garage wall, then find some vice-grips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
Looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Break off...

Haynes: Using a pin punch...
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

LOL Cracked me up

Excellent!