Lawyer jokes

If there are any lawyers among us, PLEASE don't sue me...just pay me back with some Engineer Geek jokes

Lawyers...not too long or boring, I think.


Things about lawyers--

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton

I like it! One more.......know why there have been no shark attacks on lawyers? Professional courtesy! Sorry Lawguy!!!!!!!

It must be tough passing the bar knowing you have just become the but of endless enceasing jokes.

And then of course the ever popular:

What do you call 5 lawyers on a boat that sunk in the ocean? --- A good start...

What is the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead skunk? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

OK, Basil, since you asked for it:

An architect is said to be a man who knows a very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything. Whereas on the other hand an engineer is a man who knows a great deal about very little, and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until finally he knows practically everything about nothing. A contractor starts out knowing practically everything about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with architects and engineers.

I go away for a few days to prepare for trial and this is what I come back to?

Just kidding.

I consider myself a repository of fine lawyer jokes. I didn't go to 4 years of college, 3 years of law school, and pass the bar to have a thin skin.

- What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.

- What do you call 50 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

- How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him.

- Why didn't the shark eat the lawyer when he fell overboard? Professional courtesy.

OK Basil, one to satisfy the engineers (well by qualification if not practice in my case) amoung us (I have to be careful here, the significant other is a solicitor)...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of heck and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in heck, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in heck?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

This reminds me of the lawyer that shows up at the Pearly Gates and complains: "I shouldn't be here, I'm only 40 years old!"

St. Peter replies: "According to your timesheets, you should be 80."


John, BN4

From the Engineers:

A lawyer walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender looked up and noticed what looked like a frog growing out of the side of the side of the lawyer’s head.
The bartender looked at the lawyer and said
"Oh, my goodness -- how did such an awful thing happen?"
Before the lawyer could say anything, the frog spoke up and said,
"Well, it started off as a small wart on my fanny and it grew into this awful thing."


From the Lawyers:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


And one from the EE's:

What is the difference between Electrical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Electrical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CATFISH AND A LAYWER?

ONE IS A SLIMY, SMELLY, BOTTOM FEEDING CARRION EATER, THE OTHER ONE IS A FISH.

PLEASE DON'T SUE ME, MY LAWYER'S IN JAIL!
BUGEYE58

More from the engineer perspective...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

******************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*************************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

**************************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you
for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Three guy's are about to golf ( a lawyer, engineer, and building contractor..) but the 4th is a no show. The club pro askes them if they mind a stranger playing with them, as he has someone waiting who has not played this course before. They of course say yes and before they know it the most stunning woman is teeing up with them..

Now this gal is just not a goddess, she is a crack golfer too.. She consistently out hits and out putts the best effort of all the guys, but she is very gratious and entertaining during the whole round..As a matter of fact all three men are thinking of ways to get to know this lady better... She is just a 10 plain and simple..

When they get to the 19th green, she is on the fringe about 19 yards from the pin. This is a difficult shot as this is one of those greens that rolls every direction between her and the hole. She say's to her new golf buddies..

" You know, if I sink this, I think I'll beat the course record for lady golfers, and if I do that it would mean the world to me. Since I haven't played this green before, I think could use some advice. In fact, if one of you can help me to get this shot, there's a gourmet dinner and drinks in it for you at my cottage on the lake, and you never know where things might go from there..."

Well, the boy's just stand there with thier mouths open and the engineer quickly say's

" Hit it like this.." as he charts the angles and slopes for the lady showing he the lay of the green.

" No no like this.." say's the contractor ( who is not taking any chances missing out on this dinner ) as he starts to scrape a channel with his club in the green to guide the ball to the hole..

The lawyer just snorts with laughter and walks up to the ball and picks it up..

" That's a gimme!! When do we eat?.."

Frankly I don't understand all this animosity towards Lawyers. It's only 99% of them that give the rest a bad name!