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Chaos

Popeye

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It’s a long one - possibly not worth reading the whole thing, but it makes me smile as I teach my daughters how to spell:


The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenité, a.k.a. "Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,

I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written).

Made has not the sound of bade,
Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,

But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,

Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Exiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Thames, examining, combining

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.

From "desire": desirable--admirable from "admire."
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.

Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,

One, anemone. Balmoral.
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,

Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Scene, Melpomene, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.

This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;

Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with "darky."

Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's O.K.,
When you say correctly: croquet.

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live,

Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,

We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover,

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police, and lice.

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,

Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.

Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."

But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
And enamour rime with hammer.

*****, hussy, and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rime with anger.
Neither does devour with clangour.

Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
And then: singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.

Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.

Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific,

Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.

Say aver, but ever, fever.
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

Never guess--it is not safe:
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.

Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice and device, and eyrie,

Face but preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,

Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Do not rime with here, but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation--think of psyche--!
Is a paling, stout and spikey,

Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict!

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?

Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
My advice is--give it up!
 

Mickey Richaud

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Good one, Mike! Proves how complicated the English language is, and a bear to learn! (Or is that "bair to lairn"...?) :wink:
 

Madflyer

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I have always wondered how people learn English coming here to stay. I have lived in other country's and picked up theirs. Why due we spell ( 2 ) so many ways and that list goes on. Just saying asking the two of you too is the reason to have them. Madflyer
 

Gliderman8

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Thanks Popeye... you cured my abibliophobia.
 

elrey

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:smile-new: Pardon my windy windup, yet I knew that this retinue included you, and insist that I’ve missed this motley assortment of homonyms, homographs, and homophones. :thirsty:
 
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You realize how complicated it can be working with those for whom it is a second or third language. We have staff in India and I regularly note to one or another the correct use of some words, advice and advise are two they almost always swap for each other.
 

Gliderman8

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elrey

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I also wish to express my thanks for this excellent posting, which was a pleasant surprise. I am recovering from surgery and, casting about for a pleasant diversion, stumbled back into this old haunt. I’m glad to see the place is still kicking, and wish you all a new year better than the last.
 

Gliderman8

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Well said Elrey. Speedy recovery.
 

DrEntropy

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Quite a read, but worth the effort. Oft contemplated the complexity of English, wondering how anyone coming into this country not speaking it could learn the nuances.

It has been said English is the most difficult language to master. Being monolingual, I've always been in awe of polyglots.
 

JPSmit

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Quite a read, but worth the effort. Oft contemplated the complexity of English, wondering how anyone coming into this country not speaking it could learn the nuances.

It has been said English is the most difficult language to master. Being monolingual, I've always been in awe of polyglots.

Why would you be in awe of three-dimensional shape with flat polygonal faces, straight edges and sharp corners or vertices. :whistle: Oh wait never mind :grin:

Many moons ago I owned a wonderful book on the history of the English language. (Loaned and never returned - and I can't even remember the title/ author) The author tells the story of the Mayflower - and asked the question, how did the settlers communicate with the aboriginal population when they arrived? - he notes that the native community already spoke English (at least rudimentarily) due to the amount of trade/ fishing that was already taking place on the east coast. Apparently the native's language was so hopelessly complex that there was not chance of the settlers learning it.
 

DrEntropy

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And the Eskimos have multiple words for snow.

I failed Latin miserably in high school. Struggled thru two years of Latin-I, having failed the first year. Latin-II put me off the honor roll. The folks expected me to be the first M.D. in the fam, I took care of that thought. I do understand a smattering of Spanish, a bit of Thai. First Wife was fluent in Spanish, Portuguese, German and French. She'd even picked up enough Thai to get along with the Thai natives. Always amazed me. It's a talent I envy. Mais oui!
 

elrey

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My mother was an English teacher with an expansive vocabulary, yet whenever we asked her how to spell a word her grasp of the language shrank to these three: “Look it up!”:thirsty:
 

John Turney

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I read that one of the crew jokes on cruise ships is:

Q. "What do you call someone who speaks three languages?"
A. Trilingual.
Q. "What do you call someone who speaks two languages?"
A. Bilingual.
Q. "What do you call someone who speaks one language?"
A. American.
 

elrey

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That's why we have spell check. And tell her "look it up!" is not a proper sentence with out a noun so she only gets a "B-" for that.
Naa, you tell her, in heaven. I learned as a child not to cross her. Her grasp of the language may have lessened at times, but not so her grasp of my short hairs. If you attended Lincoln in S.F. You might know of what I speak. You evidently had a fine education in the City. Anyhow, nice to reconnect.:cheers:
 

pdplot

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I'm pretty fluent in Spanish after 6 years and I can read any romance language newspaper pretty well and speak a few words in French, Italian and Portuguese but when they answer back - Forget it! In rural France one time, hardly anyone spoke English and I had to get directions in Spanish (aided by a diagram) to get to a restaurant because a bridge was down over the Loire (puente caido).
 
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