PDA

View Full Version : British Humor



PAUL161
08-04-2012, 05:37 AM
<span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-size: 10pt">I got a kick out of this, thought you might too! PJ
</span></span>
<span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-size: 11pt"> These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K.
Newspapers:</span></span>

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.
__________________________________________________ _____

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
__________________________________________________ ______

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.
__________________________________________________ ___________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
__________________________________________________ _________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
__________________________________________________ _________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy
Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
__________________________________________________ __________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH


Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the
tunnel has been turned off.

JPSmit
08-04-2012, 08:10 AM
When we lived in Florida, we had a sign appear in front of a neighbours house.

Puppies for sale: Mother American Kennel Club registered. Father comes from a good neighbourhood.