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View Full Version : How To Give Your Cat A Pill



kyreb1862
08-17-2009, 11:46 AM
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one and while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the d*** cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect heck-bent mutant cat and call local pet shop to see
if they have any puppies.

How To Give A Dog A Pill...

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Basil
08-17-2009, 11:55 AM
Loved it!

Gray_Cat
08-17-2009, 11:55 AM
Thanks John: No matter how many times I read that, I completely crack up!
It always reminds me of a former colleague that thought she would give her 19 year old cat a bath as kitty was smelling a little "gamey". Kitty had very few teeth left, primarily the top and bottom incisors being intact. She put Kitty in the nice warm bath water and Kitty repaid her by biting her with those four incisors on the bottom of her arm. Kitty maximized the pain by digging in with her claws so she was hanging off of the bather's arm. Needless to say she almost passed out before she convinced Kitty to let her go. The best part of the story; she showed us the four punture marks on the bottom of her arm!
Roy

martx-5
08-17-2009, 11:57 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: It's so funny because it's so close to the truth.

tony barnhill
08-17-2009, 12:00 PM
John - you made me laugh out loud with that one!

Brosky
08-17-2009, 02:49 PM
Wouldn't it be easier to administer from the opposite end, suppository fashion? If it's good enough for humans, it's good enough for a cat.

tony barnhill
08-17-2009, 03:10 PM
Wouldn't it be easier to administer from the opposite end, suppository fashion? If it's good enough for humans, it's good enough for a cat.
I can visualize what would happen using that option!

Here (https://www.offthemark.com/Images/cats/cat69.gif)

Gray_Cat
08-17-2009, 03:50 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Too true!
Roy

Brosky
08-17-2009, 07:39 PM
Ah-Ha!! That's the mistake.

It's all in the delivery system. I was thinking of a more powerful injection system, say somewhere in the 30 caliber range.

judow
08-17-2009, 09:07 PM
:thumbsup: I've read it before but it's worth a re-read. As a cat owner I wouldn't even attempt to give them a pill - that's what I pay the vet for. BTW I'm still giggling.

Roger
08-17-2009, 09:48 PM
That's wonderful! We have that cat - a tamed feral big tough guy.

Last time I took him to the vet, he suggested ruefully that it would have been easier if I'd sedated the cat before bringing him. He had no idea just how I'd set about doing that, of course!

Sarastro
08-17-2009, 10:02 PM
Course, you could have this guy's (https://catenema.com/catenema.com/cat.html) problem...

tony barnhill
08-18-2009, 10:58 AM
Course, you could have this guy's (https://catenema.com/catenema.com/cat.html) problem...
Be careful with that site...I went to it & was scrolling dfown as I read his saga & it locked my computer up so tightly that the only way I could do anything was to pull the plug & start all over again.....couldn't get off internet, couldn't get out of that site, couldn't restart the machine, nada!

SilentUnicorn
08-18-2009, 04:35 PM
Course, you could have this guy's (https://catenema.com/catenema.com/cat.html) problem...
Be careful with that site...I went to it & was scrolling dfown as I read his saga & it locked my computer up so tightly that the only way I could do anything was to pull the plug & start all over again.....couldn't get off internet, couldn't get out of that site, couldn't restart the machine, nada!

no problem with that site at all.

m

tony barnhill
08-18-2009, 05:16 PM
I tried it again - this time I was able to read the whole story even though when I scrolled down through it, I got half screens...& when I went to go back to the BCF, all I got was a white page with a single blue line at the top stating "Microsoft Internet Explorer Not Responding" & none of my keyboard options worked....I couldn't even get to other screens that were open...couldn't get to my"START" button functions either....had to unplug tower & reboot.....sorry.....wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he built his page on a Mac?

DrEntropy
08-19-2009, 06:56 AM
No issue with it here but I'm off th' grid. CentOS and Firefox.

Sounds more like a problem with your machine, Tony. Google TrendMicro and go thru the steps to run a "free scan" of your machine. I have a suspicion you may be 'contaminated'.

William
08-19-2009, 10:56 AM
I've never met anyone who had to give a cat pills-we always gave ours shots, as did the vet, which she didn't seem to mind. And our cat was especially mean, even compared to "normal" cats.


No issue with it here but I'm off th' grid. CentOS and Firefox.

Sounds more like a problem with your machine, Tony. Google TrendMicro and go thru the steps to run a "free scan" of your machine. I have a suspicion you may be 'contaminated'.

Ditto-no problems going to or exiting the site. Firefox user as well, and on a personal note, if you're not using Firefox you should be.

-Wm.

tony barnhill
08-19-2009, 11:57 AM
No issue with it here but I'm off th' grid. CentOS and Firefox.

Sounds more like a problem with your machine, Tony. Google TrendMicro and go thru the steps to run a "free scan" of your machine. I have a suspicion you may be 'contaminated'.
Doc - I scanned it with my Kaspersky security program - not theats.....is the way you described better?

JamesWilson
08-19-2009, 06:01 PM
Don't bother with the pill... THIS (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Uses-Dead-Cat-History/dp/0413760405) offers useful advice on the alternatives.... :devilgrin: