View Full Version : Haynes Manual translation

01-31-2003, 04:36 AM
Spotted this on another e-mail forum I am on, thought you guys might like it. But a warning... settle in, it's a long one...

Haynes Manual Translation

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips, then beat
repeatedly with a hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in ****, matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through
before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40
(catering size), or a ten pound hammer.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez! What was that, it nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be defined as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Mini's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Mini spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this
aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special
tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you
know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and you won't find it!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the
spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by
applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:

Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs
- as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug
pictures, how do these compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the glow plugs
in your Mini see the last translation on the list!

NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist images/icons/smile.gif

01-31-2003, 05:22 AM
... and why do Haynes always disassemble a new car when anyone using the manuals is going to be looking at a car with years of accumulated rust, grime and oil! images/icons/confused.gif

01-31-2003, 07:16 AM
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by catfood:
... and why do Haynes always disassemble a new car when anyone using the manuals is going to be looking at a car with years of accumulated rust, grime and oil! images/icons/confused.gif <hr></blockquote>

Because if they showed the projects as they really were, people would run screaming from the book store images/icons/shocked.gif .


01-31-2003, 03:49 PM
I have a Haynes for the Miata, and can rarely find the bits I need cause of the old dirt and crud. But it certainly saved me when I needed to replace the headlights! (Flip-ups. There's actual disassembly required!)

02-03-2003, 09:32 AM
My favourite entry was for my first car, an Austin Princess (the 'big wedge'). In order to assist oil changes and avoid confusion the manual showed a picture of the sump nut, beautifly framed. The photo was about 2 inches across and the nut occupied about about half of the picture. Unfortunately there were several other nuts in the sump... graemlins/crazyeyes.gif Seen one nut and you've seen them all. graemlins/crazy.gif