View Full Version : Airline Humor

02-12-2002, 11:29 AM
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
> taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you once?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
"Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop. "
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"
graemlins/hammer.gif graemlins/hammer.gif graemlins/hammer.gif graemlins/crazy.gif graemlins/crazy.gif images/icons/shocked.gif images/icons/shocked.gif