Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried
Anita from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****- faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bar maid is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.Screw
those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
**** to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway.If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

Been there.. But I loved the chili!

Sounds familiar. I have been banned from bringing Chili to company functions until the new fire system is fully operational. Everyone loved it, but kept whining and crying.


MattP

Once I took a couscous salad to a company picnic. It had one small hungarian hot pepper sliced up, plus other vegetables. I didn't think it was that hot, one of my co-workers didn't agree... something about his mouth being numb for quite awhile. I did warn people that it would be spicy.

Come to think of it, I've had a couple of friends try things I've made (complete with hot peppers and/or other spicy sauces) and comment on how hot they were... as I was wondering what they were even talking about.

That was a fun one. Made me laugh out loud, which is unusual. Thank you!

No problem! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Cute...Unfortunately it was probably a true story and there is a guy out there eating a ton of ice cream. I laughed out loud also... I don't laugh even at funny comedians.
True fact: there is a place in Santa Fe (Basil should check this out) where they have "The hottest food in the southwest"... numerous articles from magazines and from newspapers adorn the walls atesting to this fact. It is called "Horsemans Haven" and is a small homebuilt building attached to an abandoned Chevron service station. When we ate there we saw Jags, Mercedes, a Rolls, and four-color 65 Chevys, Harleys, and numerous pick-up trucks...all types of people KNOW where GOOD food is.

What a classic... My mother in law makes a great Chili Verde...I say great now, When I first came into the family, I thought I was going to die...It had a timer on it of about 15-20 min...THEN LOOK OUT! But now its all good.
Thanks I havent read that for a bit, Its one of the better ones out there!

Great one, by the time I got to the end I was ready to reach for the Gaviscon.
Keep it up.
Dave T

I thought this was absolutly the funniest thing I have ever read when I read it for the first time. It made me and several of my friends cry we laughed so hard!

Best laugh in months.. no years : )

Had an appetizer once in Santa Fe. I thought I was gonna die as Roseann Rosanna Danna used to say. Waitress asked me if I was ok. I almost passed out. I'm very sensitive to hot things although I don't mind a little Sracha sauce or Jalapenos in a salad. I have a nephew who loves spicy food - the hotter the better. I don't know how he does it.

Growing up in an Italian family, hot "banana" peppers were a staple. Garden grown from seeds of the hottest of the last season. While in Thailand, the various foods there were embellished with their Thai peppers, most all the GI's considered the native foods absolute poison. I would go for seconds every time, much to the delight of whomever prepared the fare. They taught me to make a killer fried rice most folks only try once. And my Navy bean soup gets dried chilis from a friend in Denver who has perfected raising their capsaicin level. Had to dial back on that or nobody else would eat it.